In a few short hours I will turn 60 years young. It is a milestone birthday that has brought so many memories flooding back to me over the past month. I don’t feel 60. I don’t know how that should even feel. This has been one of the hardest past years that I remember. I have been trying to declutter my house and a while back I found a birthday card from my mom. She wished I could spend my birthday with her so she could bake me the heart shaped strawberry cake she would do for me every year. I cried so hard. I wish I had gone home on my birthday a few times but I never did, plus it was always during work closings and it was hard for me to take off work, a word of advice, never ever put work over family. All those years, 32 to be exact got me no where but laid off.
I am taking vacation for the second time ever on my birthday tomorrow. The first was when I turned 40. It will be a day of quiet reflection, doing some things for myself and getting a few things done I have been working on for almost 2 years now.
I miss my mom and dad. I miss getting together with my family here and back home. I wish I could go and meet my new found sisters. I wish I could give my kidney to my husband now. I wish COVID had never happened. But wishes are not reality and I know that I can only do what I can do.
The thing is, I have had this awesome life that I had no idea would come to me. I have gotten to do things that not everyone has been lucky enough to do. I can say I would not change a thing about the life I have had, it has been such a blessing with so much goodness and mercy and I would not trade it for anything. Oh make no mistake, I have been through the fire and struggled and didn’t know how I was going to feed my children at times but God watched over us and always provided. I spent about a year having popcorn and a Coke for lunch at work to have money for dinner that night. We had a lot of frozen pizza and kids meals but we survived. If not for the trials, I would not have the empathy I possess today.
I was blessed to have the absolute best family that chose me. And now I have even more extended family that I have been blessed with and cherish more than anything in this world. I choose not to regret the mistakes I have made as they are forever a part of me. They are what has helped me to grow. I still have a lot more growing to do as we never are complete until God takes us Home.
I have always been driven to try to do as much as I can to move through my career and be able to get what we want as much as what we need and I have been blessed to be able to do this. We focused on the children first, then ourselves and now it is all about the grand kids! They are the most awesome thing to experience! Funny thing was I planned to be a career woman and not necessarily a mom. God had other plans and I am so glad that he did.
I have lived to see a black man become US President and a woman of color become Vice President. I hope that this will bring the real changes needed for our country. I cannot wait to see what other history will be made in my time!
Thanks for reading this and following me as blog my life.
To God be the glory for me and my family and getting through this year without catching the COVID-19 so far. I am so blessed to have my family and friends this season. I miss my mom and dad so much, especially this year. I can’t go and visit their graves and it has been a very hard holiday season. It isn’t over, since Christmas will be different than all other years. I plan to take a whole lot of pictures so my husband can see them when he is ready. I need for him to get the vaccine and be able to visit his grand kids and kids and any other family he wants to see. He has been locked away since March. I have gone to some gatherings being very careful and working hard to stay well for him. It devastates me to see him so isolated and sad. I hate what this year has brought to all of us. We are determined to survive this and turn the next years into the best ever! I will do everything in my power to get him well and a new kidney. God has a plan for him and he will be able to fulfill it!
This has been a season of self evaluation, self reflection, and self improvement. I have found many things that I need to work on and am actively seeking to improve who I am. Many things have put me on a downward spiral that I have been struggling to overcome. It is Christmas time and I miss having a tree and all the people in my house. Now we go to my daughters for Christmas morning. I love doing that for the grand children but I miss our times here in my house. Today I have 2 poinsettia’s for my decorations. They are beautiful, and I love plants. One of my presents from my awesome husband is a baby bonsai tree. I am so excited to spend time with it and learn about it. I have always loved doing gardening as therapy and I am going to start back up. I need to be a part of nature again. I need to renew my spirit. Life has driven me to the edge of grumpy isolation. It is time to take back and move forward again. But I miss all the decorating I used to do. I miss going out and looking at all the lights with the children and the oooing and awwwing. I want to play again, be young happy and full of energy.
Some of this I can get back but some pretty significant events need to happen in 2021 to get back where I want to be. But mostly I need to work on me! Starting with getting my treadmill up and running and doing some workouts again! I will feel and function better once I start working out again. I hope I will be able to skate soon too, even if it isn’t right away!
Be sure to take care of yourselves and each other! Until next time, have a blessed holiday season!
I remember in January starting off a new year with new hope and new ambitions and a change in my life due to retiring from competition roller derby. I was going to still help out with the games as an NSO and still on the BOD for one more year and I planned to skate mostly recreational with my league. I just love skating!
Fast forward to March, suddenly there is this virus that we have been hearing about in China. Then it quickly started spreading to other countries. Totally getting a little worried about this as a virus can be really bad for me and my husband. He is more vulnerable than I am. Now fast forward to September. I have been working from home except for 4 days in June, since March 22.
Everything has been cancelled, and I have not skated since maybe February. I am trying to start skating outdoors but man it is too hot right now. Hoping it cools off a little after this holiday weekend so I can virtually skate to the capital! Wish me luck as I am a lazy butt these days.
The good news is I started a new lash business and have connected with some of the most awesome people ever! Who knew lashes would become my thing!! But it got me out of the funk and back to actually getting dressed and putting on makeup which makes me feel so good about myself. Now I just want to share this with everyone I can. Life is so different right now and I don’t see it getting much better very soon.
I pray daily for all the people suffering from COVID-19 and their family and friends because so many are not making it through this. I pray for my family and friends and for all those that are not my friends to be blessed and to do the right thing no matter what anyone else does. I pray for the end to all the violence from every issue. I am doing what I can to support the marginalized people.
This was my 6th day to work from home due to the pandemic that is going on right now. It is March 22, 2020 and things are so different than the any of my 59 years on this planet. First off, I am in the high risk group with COPD and my husband is even higher risk with multiple health issues. I still go get food from drive thru and the pharmacy and grocery store when necessary but I am wary of people, all people.
I don’t get to go see my grand kids (to high risk of them carrying something) and our roller derby season may be over before it ever really got started. The family reunion has been cancelled, my granddaughters gymnastics meets have been cancelled. Professional sports have been cancelled or put on hold. I like being home but I also need some interaction and over the phone and DM is just not the same. However, I have to make due with phone calls and video calls because I cannot afford to get sick or bring something home to my husband.
Yesterday I went to HEB for weekly groceries. I have a N95 rated mask I got a few years ago when I was first diagnosed with COPD. I ride a bus full of people to work normally, so I need to protect myself. HEB was doing everything they could to help protect people by wiping down carts before going into the store, separate entrance and exits and some limits on products. What I did see that concerns me most was entire families shopping together. This will be what causes this to continue to infect more and more people. So many people still don’t understand or care about protecting themselves or the high risk group. Since I am 59 I am not able to shop at the senior time.
I wish more people would understand that the more we comply the faster we will be able to go back to work and play. So many people at the store didn’t pay attention to the footprints on the floor to stand at a safe distance. I will never understand this from grown people. I don’t like this anymore than anyone else but please, do your part.
August 10 2013 Yellow Rose Derby Girls played their very first game against Spindletop in Beaumont. I was on the All Stars and I was one of the Original Members. On August 10 2019 I officially retired from competitive roller derby. I started my derby journey with Houston Roller Derby in late 2010. I was part of the recreational league until Texas Thai Foon aka Kari Malone decided to start the Yellow Rose Derby Girls which was going to be right around the corner from me. I was so excited that I joined up the night I went to the meet and greet. I also volunteered to be the Treasurer. I have doing roller derby for 8 wonderful, awesome years and would not trade this experience for anything.
When I broke my ankle in November 2018, I worked hard to return to derby, but as the time passed and my priorities started changing, I found that the same passion I had was no longer there. I still love the sport, watching it, doing NSO things, would be up for coaching as well, but I no longer had that pull to get back out there, so I finally decided it was time to retire from competition derby.
It was amazing, I laughed and I cried, and I hugged everyone! My Yellow Rose Derby Girls league is the best thing to happen to me! I love every single one of them and those that left before me.
Now it is time for me to do recreational skating so I can get back into shape and still be among these awesome women. I have to start back slow but I am excited for new adventures.
This night went on to my Crushers winning the home team Championship once again and I am so proud of each one of them and their accomplishments this year! It was a hard fought battle and they played an awesome Ruckus team. I was so honored to be a part of them this night. I will miss this dearly but I have the greatest memories to hold on to forever! Thank you Yellow Rose for everything I was able to accomplish on and off the track with you!
Well, I have skated for 8 years and it finally happened, I got a roller derby injury. Thursday night November 15th, I broke my ankle jamming in a scrimmage for All Star tryouts. It was bad, scary and oh so painful.
The league mates at Yellow Rose Derby Girls were so awesome. They made all the calls to family and got the ambulance there for me and waited at the hospital with my husband and daughter when they couldn’t see me right away.
I saw the surgeon, and I had a dislocated ankle with a trimallolar break (3) places, so I had to have surgery to put in a plate and screws. Surgery was November 26 and I was out of commission until December 11th. At that appointment I got a boot and was told to start weight bearing on it immediately. That was scary. It was a month since I last walked on it and it was numb all across the top of my foot, big toe and the incision places. I started PT the next week.
My next visit to the surgeon was January 8th and off with the boot and into regular shoes. I had already been walking without the boot in shoes and PT was teaching me how to walk again. It was still unnerving since my boot was my protection. But I did it and I have awesome physical therapists.
I am serving my league as the Head NSO and we had our first home games February 23rd. It was really different knowing that I would not be skating again anytime soon. But I was ok with it for now. It was fun to watch and arrange all the NSOs jobs and I like doing the paperwork for the stats. I may start learning to ref but that is a big job too.
This Thursday is my hopefully last appointment with the surgeon. I expect to be released without restrictions but you never know until it happens. Probably means the end to PT as well and back to training on my own. I have learned a lot about getting my muscles back and that I need to ramp up the endurance. But I have learned to use the elliptical so that will be a thing now. There will be lots more weight training also. I plan to roll but I won’t be doing too many skills. I have also been so busy with work and family that a step back from derby has been a good thing.
This was written the first year of our home teams and never published. I’m publishing it now as this was before I found out about my COPD.
A new season begins for my roller derby league and we are experincing a lot of growth and I am excited to be a part of this. I started training with a personal trainer that I love working with and I have seen progress in my personal fitness. I will get play for a home team the Clutch City Crushers this year but I won’t be playing on the All Stars. I am obviously disappointed in my performance not being up to that challenge but happy that I will at least get to play. This will be a new experience for our league but I love my new team mates and think we can do well. I will be ramping up the training and working this recovery.
I got to go to our hosted bootcamp with Coach Spanx and it was an awesome training session. I have lots of personal goals and actual things to work on to improve my agility. This has been something I have not been good at but have not had a good regimine to work on for this. I got that this weekend and I am so going to work on it like crazy.
Being an athelete and a part of team was something that I never thought I would do. When I was 5 I lost hearing in my left ear from inner ear bone damage. That means that hearing aids are useless and it is considered a handicap. I got help with college tuition because of this but other than that is has always been a hinderance to me and part of my insecurity growing up. I can compensate pretty well most of the time. I tried playing difference sports for fun such as softball, basket ball and tennis and raquet ball. I had bad experinces with the team sports because of my inablility to hear well especially when there is a lot of background noise. After being introduced to roller derby, it took me 4 months to work up the courage to actual go and give it a try. I fell in love with it because I had always loved to skate. I am also very competitive. I was terrified of not being able to hear and how that would hinder me from being a part of this sport.
All of this made me hesitant to even tell people that I had this handicap. Why? Because some people do not want someone with a handicap playing on their team and they do not know how to adjust to interact with them during games because the hearing world is so dependant on hearing. I learn more and better by watching than by hearing and I discovered that other people learned this way and more people than I ever knew had the handicap I did.
Today, I tell people and remind people constantly. I wear a sticker on the left side of my helmet that is the universal sign for hearing impaired. It is a part of me in all things and I have learned to own it and embrace it. So I started my roller derby journey at 49 in September of 2010 and here I am still working to stay a part of it!
Today mom passed peacefully into the next realm. It was expected, but never ready for it to actually happen. I have been visiting her at my brother’s house as often as possible. We were there last weekend. She was a 2 time breast cancer survivor, but lymphoma in her lungs was too much for her to fight. She chose not to have treatment as it would be worse on her than the disease she would be fighting. She was also 84 and Dr.’s did not recommend treating her.
I am sad for me and my family as we will miss her so very much. I know that she is at peace and with her mom and my dad. I am at work this day, and will be on my way to be with my family real soon. I have a giant swing in emotions because I am so grateful that she is not suffering anymore and it makes me feel somewhat guilty. I just hated watching her suffer and not be able to do anything. She is off to join my dad and all the others that have moved on and I know she is happy.
She was an angel, caring for my dad after his stroke for so many years. It was a tough time but it never occurred to her to leave. She was strong in her faith and made sure my brother and I knew God.
As I continue to work through the loss and all of the other changes in my life at this time, I am reminded that life here is short and to do everything I possible can to live life it to its fullest. The worst and some of the coolest things have happened this year. I am ready for a fresh start to a new year and tackle all the challenges that come along. I will remember the good times and connect with my brother and his family more. I want to visit my cousins and reconnect with my dad’s side of the family too. So much to do, so little time.
Holiday’s are hard when a loved one is lost and you never know what someone is going through unless they choose to share. Be kind, have empathy, stop hating, and love others as you are loved by your God. My heart is so sad and I am so blessed to have my family and friends to lean on and help me cope with the grieving process.
Today is Saturday. I had a really eventful week and today is a rest day. I didn’t used to have to take rest and stay at home days unless I just wanted to. I have made significant progress in controlling my COPD and exercising and staying well at least a well as I can be.
I have made it through the attendance period for playing in my game with my Clutch City Crushers next Saturday. I made attendance, I have been in full contact and on Thursday night participated in the 5 on 5 mini tournament. I was able to play in back to back jams that lasted a full 2 minutes. I also jammed when it was my turn. This is a significant accomplishment. Only a few weeks ago, my heart rate would go too high to jam. I keep a close eye on my heart rate as much as I do my breathing and my ability to catch my breath. This is a new normal for me. I have had to make some major changes in my lifestyle, my diet and overall daily management.
This post is to document my how I made progress, what I went through to get here, and my plan for the future. This will probably be long and not real pleasant but I need to put it down and people need to understand.
I spent all of 2016 sick off and on like I had not been since I was a child. I was treated for sinus infections and cough and exercise induced asthma. I had a rescue inhaler that I got when I was sick and I continued using it as it helped with endurance practices. By November I got really sick and had been on and off antibiotics for several months and the last round had no effect. The day I finished them I called for another appointment because I could not catch my breath and the cough had gotten worse instead of better.
When I got to the Dr late afternoon, I could barely breath to walk in and the rescue inhaler was doing nothing to help. The put a pulse ox on my finger and immediately got oxygen and put it on me. Obviously something was not right. The coughing fits had gotten so bad that I could not sleep longer than a few hours at a time. My pulse ox was at 88. The PA (because I never did see a Dr) gave me a breathing treatment and sample inhaler with a steroid in it and prescriptions for antibiotics and oral steroids. I was also scheduled for a lung x-ray the next day. The results came back abnormal so I was referred to a pulmonary Dr. I was able to get in to see him on November 22. He explained that my x-ray of the lungs showed over inflation which is a symptom of emphysema and I had bronchitis that triggered an exasperation of COPD symptoms. So I now know I have COPD. I was scheduled for a PFT or Pulmonary Function Test.
I had the PFT test done on December 8th. The follow up appointment with the results of this test showed that I had 50% lung function. This was a total shock, how on earth did I loose so much lung function without noticing it. Well, that is because the disease progresses so slowly we assume the changes are age related and as in my case I was being misdiagnosed. I blame that on never getting to see an actual Dr and the PA dismissing my continued symptoms or not recognizing them. I also, did not realize that I should have been insisting on more attention due to increasing health changes that seemed minor at the time.
As things started getting worse, I notice several things that I dismissed as age related changes. First I noticed that my fingernails which were always strong and thick became paper thin and just tore off if they got a little long. I was also having major issues with my feet cramping and just hurting when walking. Since I skated, I assumed it had to do with that and looked for insoles to help. I ate more bananas but that had no effect on the cramps. I got better from the flare up in November but right around Christmas time I started to feel bad and cough a lot more. Now I know that is a sign to call the Dr and get on medication immediately. Not understanding that, I thought I could overcome a cold by myself with over the counter medicine as I had always done before. I made it through Christmas.
On December 30 I was struggling at work. I got home and went to the bathroom and to change clothes. I could not get back to the family room without stopping every few steps to try and catch my breath. I could not call out to my husband because I did not have enough air to talk. I was sweating and beginning to panic. I finally made it to the family room and fell on to my spot on the couch and tried to catch my breath. I still could not speak. Bobby asked me if I needed to go to the ER, I did not understand what he was asking at first, I was just trying to breath and control the panic. He asked again and I was able to shake my head yes. This was the scariest thing that I have ever been through. To see me today you would never know I have this disease, because it is invisible but I feel it all the time.
That visit turned into a 5 day stay and being released with oxygen. I was on oxygen 24/7 for 13 days. I was able to start weening off of it and was able to go without finally. During that time I was on IV antibiotics, shots of steroids liquid magnesium and Xanax. I went home with to my inhalers, a nebulizer machine, oral steroids and antibiotics. The oxygen company came and set up the concentrator and showed me how to use it. I had to sleep in my couch recliner in order to not have to move the oxygen from room to room. I had a tube long enough to reach the kitchen and hall bathroom. This I know will eventually be my future.
I have had several setbacks but I am finally staying well enough to be mostly normal. I found a FB support group started by a Dr that has the best information on how to help myself and after reading everything in his book (https://pulmonarywellnessbook.com/ in case someone reading this needs this help) I am taking my medication correctly and at the right times. This has helped immensely. I started slow on the exercising and plan to add strength training at the end of the month. I have changed my diet considerably and now take my supplements regularly, only indulge occasionally in food that is bad for my COPD and drink less alcohol. I also require more sleep. On days such as last Thursday night after practice I got 5 1/2 hours of sleep. I felt that all day and a lot of why this is a rest day. I went to bed at 10 my normal time and slept until almost 9 am. This is also my new normal. I had gotten used to being up by no later than 7 and I used to be able to work from 6:30 to 3:30. I can no longer do that. Practice nights are too late and I cannot get enough rest. My chances of getting sick go up when I don’t get enough rest. That is somewhat depressing but it is what it is.
I have however, come a long way from last November and most of this year. I will have to plan my travel and vacations carefully to have medication, oxygen and everything I might need in case I have a flare. The flares are not just from getting sick, any airborne irritant can cause them. That means smoke of any kind, exhaust from vehicles, perfumes, lotions, pesticides to name a few. I can tolerate essential oils and some mild cleaning products so far and I will find out how much the heat and humidity bothers me this summer.
Now I am experiencing hair thinning most likely from the inhaled steroids I have to take on a daily basis. I have found that my AdvoCare work out product O2 Gold helps me utilize oxygen at any time and this has been great asset for me. If ever I needed proof that something did what it said it would do, this has been it. I have been trying a supplement for my hair and we will see if that makes any difference. So far I cannot see that it is.
I guess I have been in a little bit of that river of denial, believing that I could be normal as I was before the diagnosis. When I would feel better I do more than I should at a faster pace than I should. It is what I was used to. I walked fast, talked fast, did things in a hurry and rarely slowed down as it would make me anxious to be non productive. Although, that was probably the definition of non productive that I had learned as a child growing up. Just sitting and relaxing and not jumping up every 5 minutes was a chore, just ask my husband, it drove him crazy.
I am slowly learning that it is ok to take my time doing things. I am also finding out that even when I SOB I can recover on my own. I stayed in the practice last night during hitting drills. The drill when I did it got me and I then had to be ready for hits coming to me. I stayed with it and was able to catch my breath eventually without passing out, lol. It was scary and hard but I did it.
Because I have been having issues the past week or so I was only able to 23 1/2 laps in 5 minutes. Plus I am totally blaming the new skates and wheels, I wasn’t near as comfortable on them as my old ones. They are still being broken in and it was only the second time I wore them. I got another chance on Thursday and got 24 laps. I stayed in the drills and even made a few good moves against the jammers.
My biggest problem is trying to figure out what triggers the blocking of my airways. Other than the obvious of cigarette smoke, pollen and perfumes, there are times that I get sob and cannot figure out what triggered it. Some days I wake up sob and others not as much. I take all my meds as instructed and yet some days can be bad.
After some more research, certain foods and drinks contain ingredients that can cause the airways to become constricted and therefore doesn’t allow me to receive enough air to keep my oxygen levels up. There is so much to learn and so much I don’t get or understand.
I have joined a Facebook support group that has a Dr on it giving us videos, explaining all the things and just learning how other people cope with the day to day struggles. I try to stay positive but every time I think I am close to staying well, I get Bronchitis again. I took a short trip to see family and came back sick and back on antibiotics and steroids. I don’t get to play roller derby in my game this weekend. I worked so hard at getting healthy and exercising and now I can barely stay on skates for longer than 3 to 4 weeks. My family had to see just how awful this is and it was disheartening and depressing. Every single thing in my life has changed and dealing with it is the hardest thing I have had to do.
We all take the fact that we can breathe for granted. Because of the constant cough, I am always thinking about breathing. Deep breathing, expelling as much air as possible and often as possible, preparing for activity, taking medication, eating healthy, pushing through the bad days. Giving up is not an option I just have to push past the disheartening effects that I have no control over and keep moving forward one step, on day at a time.
Hi, I'm Kid. Roller derby skater, coach and enthusiast. My home team are the Tiger Bay Brawlers, Cardiff. Previously skated for London Roller Derby (Brawling) + England Roller Derby. Currently pouring all my passion into coaching! All opinions are my own.