The clock started on May 17th, 2022. It will be the year of all the firsts without my beloved Bobby. The first month is a blur of arrangements, tasks, dealing with money, meetings with strangers. It went by so very fast and so very slow. Ended up in the Hospital for 4 days with COPD flare, probably triggered by stress and grief. The second month was getting back to work, back to a routine that was completely foreign to me. All my time was spent working around Bobby’s dialysis and transplant schedule. I had very little time to think about anything else. I was consumed with just getting through each day, each week, each appointment, what to about food, how to keep up with Theo. I had time for little else. I spent evenings just reading some books to relax before bed. Taking Theo for walks and trying to make him comfortable with us.
What do I do with all the time? I have Theo but I don’t have appointments and driving back and forth to dialysis 3 times a week. I only have to feed myself. This is an ongoing adjustment. Sometimes I just sit and do nothing as I can’t figure out what I want to do. I couldn’t read, or watch tv really, I just left it on reruns of shows I watched the past few years working from with COVID going on. I did start cooking, eating out was old and expensive and suddenly I have extra bills and not the income that was paying for them. I was not prepared for this. How do you even prepare for something like this. You don’t. It is not possible, you cannot even fathom what it is like until you live through it.
I have slowly begun to get into a new routine, it is much harder than you realize. Work helps but still so much more time to do something with. Thankfully my kids all pitched in and helped me clean out my house. Still some things to do but it is so much better and has brought me much peace. It has been a summer of project after project with the help of friends, neighbors and family. Being busy is best, it helps.
And then you discover Netflix, oh my goodness. I have joined the millions of people binge watching shows. Yikes, then I find out one series is going off of Netflix and here I am double binge watching! At least it has pulled me out of the sitting and staring at reruns.
September is around the corner and it will bring with it the trading in of my cars to get just one that works for me, the first Texans games that I will attend without him. Parting with his Expedition Max is hard, way harder than I thought it would be. But that is because it was his, we may have shared it but it was his ride. The last couple of years I was the one that drove it with him in it but I still considered it his. The dealer I go to is working up a deal to help me get this part of the things out of the way and clear up some debt that I hope will bring up my credit score.
Melody Kool's Blog 