Winding Down

This post will be more about me than roller derby or family.  I am struggling with this new diagnosis, that has me reeling with questions, concerns and dealing with the symptoms. It is also the end of 2016 and time be reflective and self evaluating.

So Christmas is over and it was another super good day with family.  Leading up to Christmas I was feeling pretty good and more like myself.  I went out and shopped and did a bit of walking around.  I tire so much easier now.  It is so very frustrating.  I worked hard to get into good shape and it seems to just be disappearing.  I took the PFT test which was actually very hard and tiring in itself.  I have found out that being able to walk for 6 minutes and your oxygen level stay good is the goal for COPD in order to not have to be on oxygen. That was not hard that day.

By Christmas day I was having issues again.  Back to the rescue inhaler and unable to be really active.  I push myself because that is what I have been doing for the past six years.  My shortness of breath concerns my kids, my husband, everyone.  My new normal is learning how to catch my breath and slow down the panic I feel when I can’t breath.  There are several things and they have started to help me.  The cough though, that is debilitating when trying to bring up the junk in the lungs.  It can be so hard it makes my whole body hurt after.  I just want to not have to cough for longer than a few hours. 

Monday was a bad day.  I couldn’t do much of anything without feeling it.  It was a struggle just to do the laundry and put things away.  This is not the way I planned my future to be.  And I am not wanting to accept that it can’t be better.  I know I still have to discuss all the test results and plan the long term care but that won’t be until January 10. 

Until then I am stuck with not knowing what has caused this to flare back up and not sure how to handle the symptoms.  I just want to be able to compete in roller derby this next season.  I hope I am not being overly optimistic but exercise is suppose to be good, it just seems the more I move the more the symptoms come back.  Hopefully the Dr will have more answers for me.

My life has changed drastically in the past couple of months.  Dealing with that is increasingly difficult when I have 3-5 days feeling normal and then right back where I was before.  I have taken some positive steps and started grocery shopping and cooking again so I can eat better and feed my husband better food.  And I am working hard to stay positive and not let the depression overtake me.

This one is a bit of a downer but I have to work through this and hope that anyone reading can understand that.  This writing is part of my coping and analyzing myself and serves as a big part of self therapy.  Every day I choose to be happy whether I feel real good or not so good.

May God bless you and yours in this new year!!

Until next time…SMILE and LAUGH

Melody Kool